Early Warning Signs: Bullying

Bullying is a serious problem that can dramatically affect the ability of both victim and bully to progress academically and socially.

Bullying may be fairly common, especially in middle-school years, but it is NOT a common right of passage. A student is being bullied when he or she is exposed repeatedly and over time to negative actions on the part of one or more students. Bullying implies an imbalance in power or strength. Direct bullying involves relatively open attacks on a victim such as fighting, shoving, kicking or name-calling. Indirect bullying involves social isolation and or exclusion from the group, as well as getting the victim in trouble, damaging or stealing belongings, threats, taunting and teasing.

Both the bully and the victim may benefit from intervention to stop the pattern. If you suspect a problem, talk to the school principal.
What To Look For: Victim

• Reluctance to go to school or loses interest in school.
• Stolen possessions.
• Cuts, bruises, torn clothing.
• A very timid child with few friends.
• Missing lunch at school---bully may have stolen lunch money.

Ask your child about school bullies, and if they are bothering him. If your child says it's happening, take him seriously. Remain calm. Do not over react. Encourage your child to discuss the problem with the principal, and offer to accompany him. If he won't report the problem, tell him that you will, and then follow through. It can be pretty risky to try to discuss the problem with the parents of the bully. They may react with denial, violence or aggression. Keep a diary of incidents
What To Do:

• Help your child develop self-respect.
• Help your child understand correct ways to vent anger or dissatisfaction
• Stress the importance of correct body language---making eye contact, relaxed body.
• Encourage friendships. It can be easier for a shy child to seek out any "alone" child to buddy with, rather than try to get into a "group".
• Teach your children to express themselves clearly with "I" statements.
• Use humor to deflect bullying.
• Know when to assert oneself, but make it verbal, not physical.
• Avoid the bully when necessary.
• Teach your children the art of self-affirmation.
• Encourage them to intervene when they witness verbal abuse by a bully and to stick up for the victim, or, in cases of physical abuse, immediately report incidents to school officials or police.
• Reassure them that reporting the problem will not make it worse.

What To Look For: Bully

• A cunning, manipulative or controlling child.
• Often says that classmates "gave" him their stuff.
• Exploits others weaknesses or areas of vulnerability.
• Excessive "teasing", especially of those who are weaker or younger.
• Lack of empathy for others.
• Defiance.
• Reports of bullying problems from school administrators.
• When confronted, may attempt to turn things around so he looks like the victim.

Talk to your children about bullying. Make sure they know what it is and what a negative impact it can have on the victim so they won't become one.
What To Do:

• Take action: 60% of school bullies grow up to have at least one criminal conviction.
• Assess your family situation. Living with aggression or violence at home can justify it at school.
• Learn how to build a balance of structure and emotional support in your family and hold your children responsible for their actions.
• Discuss the negative impact of his actions on his victim. If he says, "It was all in fun!" Ask, "Fun for who?" It's only fun if everyone is laughing.
• Spend more time with your child, and re-evaluate curfews and activities.
• Cooperate with the school's plan to help modify your child's behavior.
• If punishment is called for, make sure it is non-violent. Physical punishment carries the message that Might Is Right, the wrong message to send to a bully.

Genuinely praise your child's efforts toward non-violent, responsible behavior. Monitor television programs, movies, music and video games to eliminate role models of violence and aggression. Practice non-violent, tolerant, empathetic attitudes at home. Seek help from school counselors or other professionals. Help him understand how his actions and words make the victim feel. Teach negotiation skills. Don't let your children intimidate and control you.

—From the Editors of DriverEducation.com