Coping With A Disruptive Teen

Do you feel your child frequently takes advantage of you or your goodwill?

If so, change how you are handling problems that affect you. If you, as a parent, feel that your home life is filled more with tension, anger, or frustration than nurturing shared enjoyment, or mutual respect, it may be helpful to re-examine how you interact with your teenagers. Check the give-and-take balance in your family.


STEPS TO PROMOTE CHANGE:

Take responsibility for yourself. Become proficient in the use of "I" messages. Reclaim your independence, rights and freedoms in situations that do not require your child's cooperation. Seek your child's cooperation in situations that require it. With one adult and one child, in a private place, describe the situation, state how you feel, and why.

• Use the democratic problem-solving approach.
• Seek creative solutions.
• Use logical consequences effectively to get your needs met.

Do not allow a teenager to ignore the direct impact his behavior has on parent's rights and freedoms. Parents and teens together should discuss and decide upon rules and consequences when everyone is calm. The best time to do it is before behavior problems arise, before kids experiment with alcohol or other drugs, stay out past curfew, fail a class, etc.

When your teen is pushing you past your limit of patience, it may be tempting to threaten, "If you're going to act like a little kid, I'll just have to treat you like one. You're not too old to spank, you know." However, physical punishment will accomplish nothing. If you reach this point, it is time to back off and cool down.

Sometimes your teen will suffer the natural and immediate consequences attached to his behavior. At times like these, the guilt alone may be significant punishment, and additional discipline may not be necessary. Your teen can develop problem-solving skills by trying to figure out what went wrong, and what solutions might have worked. Logical consequences are not punishments, but are choices for your teen to make.

Have your teen help you choose appropriate, effective consequences. Most teens remember a lesson best when the consequence involves doing something rather than loosing a privilege, and can also give a feeling of accomplishment.

• Recognize your limitations in the face of difficult teen problems.
• Continue to communicate with your teen, identify your rights, and take care of them.
• Seek assistance from knowledgeable people.
• Respect your teenager's power and desire for self-responsibility.

WHILE YOU ARE WAITING:

• Be patient. The process of growing from a rebellious kid to a responsible young person takes time.
• Make time for yourself.
• Make time for relationships with supportive adults.
• Compliment your kid at least once each day.
• Do something with your child at least once each week that you both enjoy.
• Get your teen into a supervised activity that he will enjoy so you can relax, at least for a short time, knowing that he isn't getting into trouble.
• Seek counseling for yourself.

DEVELOP A PLAN

• Network with other parents.
• Take a parenting class.
• Smile at your disruptive teen at least once a day.
• Keep your sense of humor.
• Learn to listen, not lecture.
• Enlist the aid of others by reporting illegal activities (even stealing from family members) or ungovernable behavior to the police.

When attempting to avoid consequences, a teen will often argue illogically, try to reason, make excuses, etc. The best way to avoid these unconstructive behavior is also the hardest thing to do: Remove yourself… do not engage in the fight! Let your teen have the last word, leave the room, leave the house, or lock yourself in the bathroom. This is not the time to negotiate any further, or attempt to discuss reason. At this point, your teen is not listening to you anyway.


THE FIRST STEPS WHEN DEALING WITH A PROBLEM

If your child is getting into trouble, chances are that he will be having problems in many areas. When a group of parents was asked to identify the specific problem with their teens (such as drugs, alcohol, truancy, crime, an eating disorder, ungovernable behavior, family relationships, sexual activity, etc.) they all indicated at least four problem areas. As a parent of a challenging teen, you need to be aware of the warning signs of developing problems so you can recognize them early, when intervention might be an easier task.


FIND OUT THE FACTS

If you don't know the facts on a subject (e.g. the real effects of drugs), do a little research at the library or on the internet, ask a school counselor, drug addiction counselor or physician for booklets with current, accurate information. All through their pre-teen years your children have looked to you as "The Knower of All Things." However, as your kids have gotten older, their questions have gotten harder. Make sure that you are still a reliable source of accurate information.


PICK THE RIGHT TIME

At a time of high stress, in a crisis, or when a person is affected by drugs or alcohol, it is impossible to have a rational discussion with anyone about anything. Wait until tempers have cooled, or sobered, and you can be somewhat objective. This may take an hour or a day, but don't wait too long! Tell them that when you both are calm and somewhat rational, you will talk about the problem further.


DISCUSS IT

If you don't confront a problem, it will continue to grow (as well as your feelings of resentment, anger or frustration). If you are uncomfortable talking about a subject (perhaps sexual activity), say so, then TALK ABOUT IT ANYWAY! Chances are that your teen will be a little uncomfortable as well, but this may break the ice. It will also reveal your humanness to your son or daughter. Parenting classes can help you develop good communication skills. Discussing a concern is different from lecturing. Sometimes it helps to talk about a touchy subject in the third person, such as, "I know a friend whose son has…"

Discussion involves:

• Inviting the teen to tell you how they feel about something.
• Listening and reflecting your teens' feelings.
• Sharing stories of how you felt at their age.
• Sharing your experiences.
• Respecting your child's privacy, trust and approval.
• Sharing information.
• Sharing positive feedback.

Discussion does NOT include:

• Judgment
• Criticism
• Lecturing

Always leave the door open for more talks later. Your child has reached the age when he or she is probably capable of making decisions based upon the values you displayed and taught during their early childhood. To make a wise decision, all that most teens really need are input, respect, and perhaps gentle guidance. They are also capable of dealing with the consequences of inappropriate decisions.



SHOW YOUR HONEST CONCERN FOR THE LONG-TERM WELL-BEING OF YOUR CHILD

Because we often nag our kids about their hair styles or clothes, they can easily perceive that their parents are just picking on them. Reassure them that you love them and are concerned about their future.

—From the Editors of DriverEducation.com